I am back from Utah for just two days and then back off the grid again. Tomorrow I am driving 9 hours to Chautauqua New York, transporting 6 paintings for a show at the Chautauqua Institution. I’ll be back for one day and then heading west, to California and to Utah again.
My mother fainted in a store, hit her head on the ground and suffered a subdural hematoma. Her injuries have caused her to lose her language abilities, impaired her memory and basic reasoning skills. Last week I sat with her every day for 15 hours, and I watched carefully for signs of what is going on inside her head.
Brain injuries are unpredictable. No one knows what will happen or how much she can recover. Right before I flew home, my good friend Matt Thomas lent me a book by an author I have enjoyed in the past–Paul Collins. He is a historian as well as a memoirist, and this book, Not Even Wrong, brings together experiences with his autistic son and the history of how autism became identified as a condition. His descriptions are poetic and provocative. And although my mother’s condition has nothing to do with autism, I found comfort in his careful peeling back of what he has learned from dealing with his son Morgan. My mother’s mental faculties are off-road right now, far from the high speed traffic of the interstate. Trying to track just where her journey is taking her requires a lot of patience and hope.
And as a side note: Collins makes a case for the inheritability of autism, with a higher incidence occurring among bloodlines that have a concentration of engineers, musicians and artists. Food for thought…
Other books by Paul Collins that I found worthwhile: Thirteen Tales of People Who Didn’t Change the World, and Banvard’s Folly.
I’ll write again next week when I am back for a short stay before heading west. Thank you to so many of you who have been so supportive to me during this very difficult time, especially my sibling co-travelers–Rebecca, Betsy, Thomas, Katherine and Jonathan.
I’ve seen your blog on so many blogrolls I decided it was about time to visit. Your paintings are beautiful. When I first looked at the ones on your website, I kept moving between a microscopic view and a panoramic one. Somehow the paintings could be both. Hypnotic.
I’m sending you and your mother good vibes from cyberspace.
I’m so sorry about your mother. The brain works in strange ways. Sending you a hug for strength.
Jenny
Deborah — I’m hoping the blog is your one-stop, even if you don’t stop at it very often. Thinking of you a lot. You’ve spent so much time and creativity founding a small community here, I’m sure everyone who participates in it is trying hard to reach you psychically and endow you with energy for this part of the journey. I know firsthand that when a parent fails one ascends to a peculiar loneliness, even in the midst of others to whom it has happened as well. I hope that you will find a way to feel borne up. Please let me know if there’s anything that would help.
I just returned, and am so touched by the care and concern expressed here. Thank you, it means more than you can know.
I hope your mother has been stabilized and she is coping well emotionally. Failing is often handled better by the one whose health diminishes than by loving family memebers and friends. It is so hard to see a mother, who you may remember throughout your life as a strong vibrant individual, decline into confusion and perhaps fear. I do hope you take some good time for yourself in these taxing times for you. Sending you invigorating thoughts and a hug! G
Counting the days, Deborah. Hope they are passing for you and your family in a way that will leave you all feeling like the most difficult work at hand has been done. Otherwise — windswept, of course, but maybe not too battered.
I keep coming back here hoping you are “home,” but I’m sure you are doing what you need to be doing. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I find myself coming back here again and again…not knowing what to say, just wanting to listen, A time to be quiet but my spirit is furiously searching.
Positive vibes to you and all of your family.